Today I came across a quote by Nelson Mandela that reads, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”  I’ve come across this particular one before, and each time, it resonated with me strongly.

I know quite a few people that are extremely angry and resentful toward others who have wronged them in some way. This could be an ex-lover/spouse or someone who got promoted when they didn’t. I know someone who broke up with their ex years ago, and they still talk about them with vitriol, like the event happened only yesterday.

I’ve seen this kind of internalized resentment tear people apart the longer they hold onto it. It pollutes our thoughts and blocks us from living contented lives. It’s as if by remaining angry that they can somehow hurt the person at whom that anger is directed. But what happens instead is that our bitterness only affects ourselves. Hell — the other person doesn’t even know we’re angry (and probably wouldn’t care if they did). It does not affect them in the least, no matter how much we consciously or subconsciously wish pain upon them.

This is why it’s often said that we don’t forgive people for their sake but for ours. Forgiving someone doesn’t say that what they did was okay. Rather, forgiveness is for our own benefit. It’s to grant us the ability to move on and put all of those resentments behind us so we can begin to heal. After all, the damage has been done. It’s over and finished. Holding onto it will never change what happened. The only thing left to do is to let it go.

People may tell us that we need to “forgive and forget,” and as we all know, that’s much easier said than done. It may take a while and may even require counseling — or at the very least, a non-judgmental friend with whom you can unburden yourself.

What worked for me in the past was to recognize those negative thoughts the moment they popped up and replace them with positive ones. Expressing gratitude for all of the existing gifts in my life also helped me.

But most importantly, I also reminded myself that by continuing down this rabbit hole of negativity, I’m hurting myself a hell of a lot more than I’m hurting them — and it was time to stop.

I came across a quote earlier this week by Tim Kreider, who said something to the effect of: “We only get one shot at life, and once you reach a certain age, every one of your peers gives you a “glimpse of the parallel universes” that would have resulted had you made different choices.”

This really resonated with me, especially in regards to social media. So many of us closely follow the lives of our friends and family, often wondering what our lives would have been like if we’d take the same path as them (for good or ill). People refer to this as “comparisonitis” — when we measure our lives to those of others, especially successful people. The downside of this is feelings of inadequacy with our own lives — a feeling that we’ve somehow failed. I know I’ve been guilty of this.

We see our friends jet-setting around the globe, attending fancy parties with gorgeous people at their sides. They chat about their high-powered careers and expensive purchases. While I do find it fun to have a peek at the lives of our loved ones, the key thing to remember, however, is that people on social media show only the best and most “perfect” aspects of their life. They may not be posting about their cheating partner, mean-spirited boss, or the high mortgage on their McMansion that leaves them little money for much else.

We got so caught up in all of the “glamorous” posts that we forget that we’re only seeing the good, not the bad (and everyone has some “bad” going on in their lives). Sure, it may appear as though the grass is greener on the other side, but again, we only see one side of the story.

It’s also important to remember that we’re all different. For example, why compare yourself to a successful computer programmer when you have little aptitude for computers? Or to a high-level accountant if you’re rubbish with numbers? It’s like comparing apples and oranges.

While comparing ourselves to others can help to increase our motivation and inspire us to achieve our goals, it also can instill feelings of inadequacy. It can give us feelings of self-doubt, shame, anxiety, and even self-loathing. Our mind jumps down the rabbit hole of toxic thoughts, sometimes leaving us paralyzed. It can have severe effects on our mental health, leading to anxiety and depression.

I hate to admit that there have been times when I’ve felt that I’d taken the wrong path in life. I thought that if I had stuck with the corporate world, I would be in a much stronger financial situation than I was in. But then I reminded myself of how much I hated the corporate environment and how working for myself has provided me with different types of opportunities.

I’ve found that the first step in combatting “comparisonitis” is in recognizing it. When these feelings of inadequacy have arisen in the past, I decided to take action instead of having regrets. If at any point I felt that I was unhappy with my current path, I took that energy and directed into taking concrete action towards my goals and dreams. I’ve always said that focusing on the past does no good whatsoever — it’s only the “now” that matters. If you don’t like the trajectory of your current life, then change it. I recall someone once said that your life is like a play – if you don’t like the way it’s going, write a new script.

I also find it helpful to scale back on social media, given that because of it, it is easier than ever to compare ourselves. What’s especially heart-wrenching is that our children and teens are falling into this same trap. Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and I believe this to be true, whether you are an adult or a child.

So if this happens to you, know that you’re not alone. While it’s fantastic to have role models and be inspired by others, we need to be careful not to enter into comparisonitis territory. And if we do, recognizing it is the first step and shutting it down. And most importantly, remember that you are enough.

When I was in high school, I had an art teacher who, after having taken a look at my drawing, told me:

“Whatever you do, Roger, don’t quit your day job.”

Now anyone else would have had their feelings hurt or their self-esteem shattered by such a statement, especially by a teacher. But not me.

Because I knew I couldn’t draw.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I can draw stick figures and even then, not very well.

So I went through my entire life assuming I absolutely, positively could not draw. “I don’t have an artistic bone in my body,” I’ve told myself more than once.

Then last year, a strange thing happened. One day I watched a YouTube video where the creator had learned to draw in his 50’s, after believing for his entire life that he had no artistic talent. Because he’d always thought he couldn’t draw, he never picked up a pencil and tried. Not once. Until now…and to his surprise, he ended up being quite talented.

So that got the old wheels ‘a turning, and I started wondering whether I could learn to draw…whether such a thing could even be possible. They say you never know until you try.

So I’ve decided to try.

Just for shits and grins, I purchased a drawing video course at the beginning of this year, and I’ve decided to go through it and see what happens. Worst case scenario, I’m no worse off than I am right now.

Best case scenario, I’ll be posting my drawings to this blog.

So this was another thing that I should have added to my “19 Things….in 2019” list. But then that would’ve made 20 so it wouldn’t have worked. So I’ll just keep it here.

Stay tuned for drawing drama in the coming weeks.

Morning Person or Not?

I am not a morning person. Never have been. But that being said, I do some of my best work in the morning. Morning is when I’m my most alert and fresh, the time when I am the most productive and given that the majority of the business world works between 9:00 am to 5:00 p.m., I needed to be available to clients during these times.

Since the first of this year, I have written between 2000 – 2,500 words every day without fail, beginning at 7:45 a.m. every morning. But it wasn’t always this way.I used to find getting up early in the morning to be an unbearable, agonizing chore.

(Not)Getting Up in the Morning

Throughout the years, I have tried every trick in the book to force myself to get up in the morning. I’ve tried setting my alarm for 15 minutes earlier every day. I’ve tried keeping my alarm across the room so I had to physically get out of bed to turn it off. I’ve tried alarms that are so jarring that you shoot out of bed like a rocket the second it goes off. I’ve tried progressive alarms that bring you out of sleep slowly, gently and lazily. They all worked – but only for a short while. Then it was back to my normal routine. That is to say, turning off the alarm and jumping back into bed until my body (and not some stupid alarm) decided that it was time for me to get up.

Coffee was the Answer

In order to understand my solution, you first need to know that I love coffee and I admit that I am more than a tad bit fussy when it comes to my coffee. I don’t like weak coffee, shitty coffee, cheap coffee, cold coffee, old coffee, bitter coffee, stale coffee or coffee that has been sitting around in a pot for more than fifteen minutes. I’m not particularly fussy about most things, with coffee being the one exception. There’s nothing I look forward to more than my morning cup of java.

So How Does This All Fit In?

Awhile ago, I purchased a coffee pot with a timer. The idea is that the night before, you prepare the grounds, add the necessary water and set the timer for when you want the coffee to begin brewing the next morning. So I did it. I followed the instructions, plugged in the pot, set my alarm (it plays the sound of a waterfall along with gentle chimes, if you must know) and went to bed.

The next morning, I awoke to the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafting throughout the house. But moreover, I knew that if I didn’t get out of bed right then and there, the coffee would grow bitter from sitting in the pot and become (at least, according to me) undrinkable. Moreover, I didn’t have to sit around and wait for my coffee to finish brewing. It was done by the time my feet hit the floor.

A Combination of Tricks

So for the past several months, I have gotten out of bed immediately when my alarm goes off. Automating my morning coffee routine was the one trick I needed to turn myself into a morning person (as much as one can turn oneself into a morning person).

Now at the time I began this little experiment, I was sleeping until about 10:30 or 11:00 a.m. It’s important to note that I just didn’t set my alarm one day for 7:30 a.m. and simply bound out of bed with a squeal of delight.

No, what I did was to combine my coffee trick with setting my alarm fifteen minutes earlier each week. For example, week 1 the alarm (and my coffee timer) was set for 10:15; week 2: 10:00; week 3: 9:45 and so on. And if you fee the need to spend an extra week or two without changing your alarm time, by all means do so. I think I spent three weeks at 9:00 before I moved on to 8:45.

But I Don’t Like Coffee

I admit, this trick is aimed at coffee connoisseurs who simply can’t bear the thought of allowing a pot of expensive coffee go to waste. If you don’t drink coffee, try the experiment with your favorite tea. Or perhaps, schedule something you really enjoy doing early first thing in the morning. But whatever it is, it needs to be something that will get you out of bed – something pleasurable.

Give it a try and see what happens. Like I said, I’ve tried numerous methods until I finally found one that works. If you are trying to become a morning person – or a forced to become one – then keep trying various tricks until you find the one that works. Often, the simplest thing – such as a cup of coffee – is the one that works the best.